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Guitar Rant in Hate Sharp Major!
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Zakk Wylde is the greatest guitarist that ever lived!

Anyone want to fight me on that? Fine. Let’s meet me after school over by the bike racks and I will kick your ass.

I saw some “Greatest-Guitarists-of-All-Time” list fairly recently and I am ashamed that left-wing radicals have found their way into “Shredderville”. I’d also like to talk to Al Gore about this global warming promise he made. The Arctic is taking a crap on my house at the moment!

Anyway, on one of these f-ing lists, (that will remain nameless because I absolutely don’t want to advertise for this prominent, somewhat Communist music magazine in anyway, shape, or forearm) it had Ike Turner ahead of Eddie Van Halen.

Digest that for a second…Ike TURNER! It’s hard to beat people when you are dead, but I’m not too proud to beat a dead horse. He isn’t anywhere near Edward.

There is a logjam of backed up nerve fluid about to bust an aneurysm in my head as I am writing. I can’t…do…their…math….Joan Jett is ahead of Kim Thayill of Soundgarden. Wow! The pain is…so great. I’m manufacturing a migraine. I don’t even get migraines. What do I do?

The reason I said that left-wing radicals have invaded the guitar universe is that, though I agree that Jimi and Jimmie should be somewhere near the top, there is no way that Kurt Cobain should even be anywhere on that list.

I would bet money on the heartfelt sentiment that Kurt Cobain himself would take someone behind the bleachers and beat the crap out of them WITH his guitar for putting him in the top twenty. He would then take the tuning that occurred as a result of the broken guitar and make a song out of it. Brilliant but not for his guitar playing.

Maybe left wing is the wrong term. Radicals are so easy to parody these days. I just defaulted to that position. (I’m not even right wing, I’m just left out…).

I’m thinking the actual culprits this time are obsessive people who want to see how obscure they can get and how they can mathematically prove some “New Age cool factor” that none of the rest of the listening world can fathom. Or maybe they just want to piss me off!

You know what? You are cooler than I am. I concede. You have a job at a high profile, New York music magazine and I am, well, me, typing away in my little house in Arkansas. Or Connecticut. Or Alabama.

Maybe you can tell me to shove my opinion up my nose-hair garden. But I’ll bet when you take the magic dust away from YOUR nose, you might hear a bit better. The psychedelic wind and sparkly powder (cocaine, Kool-Aid, self-importance) created by such inhalations make pretty clouds around your judgment and rainbow taffy in your ears.

Breathe. Okay. Let’s get back to Zakk Wylde. The reason he is the greatest guitarist of all time is that his style and ability speak to not only a colossal talent, but exposure to and influence from a myriad of sources; including the blues, Bach, and metal through the ages.

The other reason is that the greatest guitar solo of all time goes to Mr. Wylde for his unbelievable sense of balance, shreddery, and musicality on Ozzy Osbourne’s “No More Tears”.

I’ve got no more tears to shed over this one. Well, maybe one more: Slash didn’t even make the list!

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