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Victory, Victoria!
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

What the hell is Victoria’s damned secret, anyway?

I’ve had discussions with men concerning the underclothes of women. Mostly, they just want to see women in a cigarette-paper thin T-shirt with no bra at an icicle convention. Women spend a brick ton of money on bras that lift, separate, and hoist our orbs into brassy gravity-defiance…it seems, for only ourselves.

It’s armor, not sex appeal. A bra that shows watermelonic cleavage says look but don’t touch because you will scrape your hand raw on seventeen layers of satin, underlined in underwire. And it wants everybody to look. But if no one can touch, you might as well be Queen of the Knights of Blue Balls. Good luck trying to get anyone to join your club.

Bras are more for women than for men. Do men like purple lace? As long as they can do the two-finger snap behind your back and release your front fat for their fantastically focused purposes. I think we have two of them, one for each crossed eye. In fact, a man’s face is a perfect distillation of a woman’s body when in her presence: two popped-out orbs, a belly-button nose, and…saying much about the mouth is redundant, and warm.

I wear a thong because panty lines are a horror to me. I am so abhorrent of being critical of people’s choice of clothing, but when I can name the brand of cottage cheese someone ate yesterday because of the depth of the elastic crease scooping her glutes, it’s too much information. Panty lines have the same effect on every woman,they divide flesh continents that should never have been at war in the first place. It shortens your legs, too.

Do guys even give a good gourd about thongs? I don’t know. The panty sniffers probably want more product to push past their nostrils, and they are the underwear overlords. I don’t think men notice panty lines because they have X-ray vision and can unweave fabric with their melting mind rays. I wish I could do that. Then I wouldn’t be so vexed at the drugstore when a late-fifties, braless babe’s swinging empty baby bottles are accompanied by high-powered leg band torque that gives her a multitude of extraneous mole hills on her back forty.

Maybe some men like lingerie so they can unwrap the package when they get home. But like any present, does the packaging really matter that much? That’s Victoria’s secret: that women get on the downward spiral of trying to feel sexy wrapping ourselves in pricey lingerie, when we were sexy to begin with, and certain lingerie companies can charge an armless and a legless for it.

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Comments 2 comments for this article
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Added: August 03, 2009. 02:56 PM CDT
secret
Is all marketing. I know whats underneath so its in the packing or wrapping paper as I call it that I enjoy.Visible panty lines hmmm!!Starts the imagination says so much about the person.In my opinion and I like.
mystic
Added: July 31, 2009. 02:10 PM CDT
Here's the secret
You are no journalist - this is complete tosh!!!!
Melanie
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